Yesterday I had my pre-op appointment for surgery #2. As I sat with my doctor discussing the plans that go: if this, than this, of it comes down to this we will be ready. If it comes back we will do it again. If. A word that has become a lot more meaningful since my diagnosis. Every time I set foot into a doctor's office I hear "what if..." And "if we could just.." and "if it is..." and "if it is not..." I am surrounded by uncertainty. Will I be able to have kids. When will I have to have this surgery for a third time. What we can do next. Will I ever stop hurting. I am fortunate enough to be a patient of one of the best endometriosis specialists in the country. He has been nothing short of a blessing to me. He keeps me calm when quite frankly we don't know anything. Because the last time we did this surgery nothing went right and everything went wrong. But he understands my frustrations, he understands that I am scared. But he reassures me that we will get through this. He explains to me that although it is chronic we will do everything we can to minimize any symptoms I have. But I am told time and time again that there is no cure. Something one in ten women suffer from, is so unspoken about that some doctors tell you, "getting pregnant will cure you." "Getting a hysterectomy will cure you." But it is not true. It can continue well past menopause. The proof is in the fact that even after 6 months of medically induced menopause at 19 years old I am STILL suffering. I am STILL in pain. Everyone always puts in their two cents of, "oh just relax you are over exaggerating" "sometimes the pain is all in your head." But they are wrong. The pain is real. The pain is debilitating. The onset makes you scream and cry and vomit. Getting out of bed takes more than anyone could ever know. There's the worries of Cysts rupturing on your ovaries, and that bleeding that never seems to go away. You have no sex life because everything hurts. You build up these walls with people because they just don't understand. They don't care to understand. Doctors call you liars saying that there is no way you are still in pain. Yet you are. So you leave in tears. Ice packs and heating pads Become your best friend. You take Tylenol like the government is going to take it away tomorrow. Doctors poke, and prod, and regardless of how many ultrasounds and CTs with and without contrast you have, they keep telling you, they don't know what is wrong. I have been there. I am there. It is a world full of uncertainty and pain and it sucks. You get married and you and your husband have to have that talk that starts, "what if we can't have kids on our own." being young everyone tells you to wait. But there might not be any time to wait. With each new medication you wonder what will happen next. You get so tired of seeing everyone else around you having their children and you cry to yourself because you know there is a chance you will never be able to have that. Endometriosis has taken so much from me. My three scars that I have now will have to turn into five or six. When you get that new swimsuit you love, but endo-belly decides to show today so you wear something else, or just don't go because you look 4 months pregnant, even though you aren't. You base outfits on it. You wear tank tops or short sleeves but bring a jacket because you know you have hot flashes and you try to dress accordingly so that you can try to be comfortable. It comes at the most inconvenient times, your wedding, a formal event, the day everyone wants to go to the pool or the beach. The plans you made you have to back out on because you are curled up in a ball on the couch (if you even make it that far.) and can't move without screaming. You stop telling people you are having a flare up because they are so constant that people think you are faking them. But if only they knew the only thing you fake, is being well. You hope and pray that after each new treatment plan, you will feel better. And you do, but not for long. Endometriosis is the unspoken disease. You can not see it. But you can see the effects it has on you, your friends, your family, your spouse, your children, people you know and love and care about. So next time someone you know has endometriosis says it is a bad day, tell them that you love them and that you understand. Those bad days where they lay in bed all day, in that moment that is EXACTLY what they need to be doing. They are recovering. I know I have endometriosis sisters on Facebook, so I wanted to take a minute and just, give people a little insight to what we go through on a daily basis. I love you girls. Keep fighting. formal dresses for pregnant women